I can’t make a step by step plan to force the stars to align. And I can’t go back in time and change the course of events that have led me here. The only regrets I am allowed now are the ones I am letting to grow in this very moment. This is not a midlife crisis so much as a midlife reflection. Today is all I have and all I can try to control. If picking off my pink nail polish while I watch a tiny spider crawl across the papers on my desk to Joni Mitchell’s 2000 album is where I am choosing to be then I must accept with responsibility the moments to follow. My coffee sits cold in my morning mug and I think back to my 20’s when I believed neither in luck nor regrets. That was my age of pessimism and realizing that things out of my control will keep happening no matter how little I allow myself to eat or how far I tried to run away. It also seemed like the age of endless possibilities, and it would have been had I stopped being so negative to notice how fleeting life is. Which brings me to here where I am afraid my luck ran out before I realized it existed.
My 30’s have so far been an endless list of responsible decisions and accepting that luck may never be on my side long enough to propel me into something meaningful and fantastic. My childhood dreams seem to have come and gone during my long awaited but short lived time in Chicago. I don’t like accepting that my big city dreams came and went so fast before I had the chance to make something of myself, but now I am the owner of a small cabin in the woods fulfilling a different dream. It’s not like me to stay planted in one spot, accepting what lies before me as THE one path. Or maybe it is that I have always ran away when things became too real causing me to leave Chicago at a pivotal point in my young adult life.
I sit and stare at the wall before me on which hangs a photo of me at 18. “So nieve, you.” I wish I would have discovered Joni Mitchell back then. Luck or no luck, pessimistic or not, running away or staying the course, it is the same things now as it always was leading up to this point.