dear diary, i’m a pessimist

June 18th

Today I was hoping my big break would come; not that I did anything to evoke it, but I am tired of where I am at. My face looks tired, my hair is drab, & I have lost the inspiration to wear anything even mildly interesting.  Around noon when I realized this wasn’t going to be my day I acknowledged the ever increasing doom and decided to move on. I considered looking into the Art Institute of Chicago. I’m not sure what I would do with the information, and moving is currently not an option. I at least need to get my day dreams back.
June 19
I had a very hard time focusing today.  I would start doing one thing and then switch to another part way through. A while later I would remember what I initially started and pick up where I left off.  My morning started along these lines, and I thought about quitting my job the whole drive in to work.  By mid day I was thinking I am where I need to be. Although in the back of my head I have this deep sense that if Sam and I lived in Chicago we could really make something of ourselves.  Is that what I really want? Maybe to stay here and make little money, sneaking out of work early to toil over my garden and lawn, maybe that’s where we’ll be forever.
June 20th
Work was rough today, and I wondered how many wrong turns I took to get here. Sam says I can quit, but only if I also quit my (costly) hobbies.  He also said recently that I could quit my job and work instead at the small grocery store 5 minutes from our house. After considering it for several days I decided I didn’t want to because working there would take the fun out of shopping there. This is similar to why I didn’t study art in college – the misconception that it would no longer be an enjoyable activity if I HAD to do it.  It turns out work is not enjoyable for me anyways, and I wish I would’ve realized that when I was picking a career.
June 21st
Today was our 2 year wedding anniversary, and it made me wish I would have accomplished more during that time. Then I had a bit of a break down and started researching what a copywriter is.  Maybe this is my new calling?  Sam says he supports me.  He always says that no matter how irrational or odd my ideas are.  Last week I wanted to quit my job and work at the small grocery store down the street.  The week before that I wanted us to move to England where I just wouldn’t work at all. At least he will never get bored; one less reason to leave me.
June 22nd
In my studies of entrepreneurs I’ve realized a lot, if not most, hit rock bottom before they realize what they are supposed to be doing.  I think it is this place of desperation that fuels the drive to take the risk and pursue what one wants or needs to do in order to survive. Every day I wonder, “Is today the day I hit rock bottom?” The pessimist in me is always looking for that worst day in hopes that it can retire and something resembling even a sliver of optimism will step in and take over.  Sam and I currently have no money and two vehicles that are in major need of repairs which, when added to my ever increasing anxiety at work, make me hope this is as rock bottom as it gets for us. It could be a lot worse so I need to move on with my life and do something before the universe dishes out the real rock bottom. If my mom gave honest advice she would say I need an “attitude adjustment.”

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dear diary, i’m a pessimist

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