page three

Let’s start this story in the middle.  That’s where the cats like it.  Where it’s warm and inviting, where the sun casts a glow on the crease between weathered pages and new crisp ones.  If this were a children’s story we would be starting somewhere around page three; the part of the story that is climatic for the child, the part of the story where the adult is getting tired of doing the characters’ voices, the part of the story where the adult loses interest and just wants to get it over with.  It is that part in your own life where you think, “Six years ago I was going to do this. Six years ago.”  You begin to feel old, and you wonder how many climatic experiences you can have before somebody wants to stop reading, before somebody wants to close the book, before the cats jump off of the kitchen table and go hide under the bed.

You still are a little uncomfortable with the sound of your own voice which means you’re not as old and as loopy as you had previously thought.  Yet you still like to imagine that someday, after you have passed away, they will find 250 paintings of yours stashed away in a backyard shed.  “Two hundred and fifty paintings, that’s all she did,” they will say as they stand gazing at your works of art hung on the large, boring, white wall of a museum.  At least that is how you imagine it.  This is how you know you are in the middle of the story.  Roughly page three.  It is somewhere between settled and content and imaginative and fearless.  You are too mature to be naive, but to healthy to feel like you need a retirement fund.  Your parents would like to see you have babies and buy a fancy washing machine and dryer.  Your boss would like to see you striving.  But instead, all they really get is a restless look in your eyes.  A look that says, “I haven’t figured it out yet.”

In one week two family members died of cancer.  One in their late seventies, and one in their mid forties.  You are at that age where you hesitate to buy canned peaches to go with your cottage cheese.  You hesitate because a recent news story reported that the BPA in the cans may cause cancer.  Not only have you stopped smoking, but now nothing seems safe to eat.  You haven’t made enough money yet to buy organic fruits and vegetables.  But the thought of death is there.  This is page three.  If this were a children’s story everyone would learn their lesson.  The characters would be sharing.  The characters would be eating cookies.  The characters would be happy; they wouldn’t be thinking about cancer, canned peaches, or what their boss expects of them.  But this isn’t a children’s story.  This is page three of your life.  This is where death and life and money and health and the ups and downs all get a little jumbled.  And yet it is all starting to finally make a little more sense.  Or so you think, as the cats slowly crawl out from underneath the bed.

page three

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s